Sometimes you go to bars to meet new people.
Sometimes you go to bars to see old friends.
And there really isn't much difference - between new and old.
Because at a bar all that matters is the moment, the single unrelentness urgency of now
And everyone at a bar is looking for love, looking for significance, looking for validation.
However, when you meet an old friend, one you haven't seen in years, who are you?
Are you just a memory? A fond recollection of a your past experiences? Does an old friend know how you have grown, how you have struggled, how you have failed?
How do you measure how much you owe a memory? How much do memories weigh?
What happens when the old friend becomes just another girl who you might fall in love with?
Does she deserve more? Does it make her become more perfect?
And what do you do now that you are touching each other? Do you remember that you are both teases? Both in it for some transcendental fun?
What do you do when all of a sudden it feels real?
When you are holding hands and looking into each others eyes? When your best friend whispers that holding hands is the best way to see if you have a real connection?
Do you suddenly you remember that she had liked you years ago in high school? Do you remember how she might have liked you last summer? Do you let that give you hope?
Do you remember where she has been? Where she is going? Do you think of every reason why it would not work? Do you remember that you are just friends?
And there should be nothing more pure than a girl who just wants to hold your hand.
There should be nothing more simple.
But the years between you begin to weigh ya'll down like an anchor.
All those questions of why have we never hooked up? Why have we never gone out? Why would now be any different? What makes this moment special?
And you look into her eyes praying to see a soul struggling with these same questions. Praying that she might be conflicted too.
You look into her eyes as if you can interpret her.
And you sit there holding this girl's hand and it feels perfect.
Yet you know that this means absolutely nothing to her.
You can't even bring your lips to utter the words: I like you.
One time in college, a Dean of Students who was also a minister gave me this advice:
“Make friends with the pretty girls – they are often very lonely.”
The fact of the matter is that many guys are intimidated by “pretty” girls.
Especially “pretty” girls who are intelligent, independent, and successful.
Even though we all talk about how we want a “pretty” girl; few of us ever muster the courage to talk to a girl we truly think is beautiful.
We assume that she already has a boyfriend. That she can do way better than us. That she will be too high maintenance. That she is stuck up and a “bitch”.
We make a million excuses to mask our insecurity – our fear of walking up and striking a conversation.
Yet the truth is that many “pretty” girls are lonely. They wonder what is wrong with them? Why the only guys who talk to them are scum balls? Why they can’t just meet a funny, interesting, sweet guy?
However, sometimes that guy does try to talk to the “pretty” girl and she doesn’t even give him a chance. Now there is a slight chance that she might actually be a “bitch”. More likely, she is just afflicted with “pretty girl syndrome”.
After years of being hit on by asshole guys who just want to fuck her, she has developed an all-time defensive perimeter that keeps all boys out.
Ironically, this armor is also keeping her from the man of her dreams. Still, it is hard to blame the “pretty” girl for being wary.
This brings us to the controversial theory of “negging”.
A “neg” is a statement that borders between compliment and insult. An example of a neg is: “I really like your hair even though it’s fake.” Or “Your eyes are really pretty, do you wear contacts?” Or "Your gladiator sandals are really trendy."
A “neg” should always be said with a smile. The reasoning behind using a “neg” on a “pretty” girl is that the girl is used to constantly being complimented, and compliments set off her defense mechanisms. However, very few people even border-line insult a pretty girl on her appearance. So, she is taken aback and might listen to you for a bit longer before she decides to shut you down.
The problem with “negging” is that it might just piss the girl off. Or worse you might touch upon an insecurity and really hurt her.
Still using a “neg” on a really “pretty” girl might be the difference between getting instant rejection and getting her number.
In any case, whether you “neg” or don’t “neg”, remember that the “pretty” girl is still fundamentally human. She is more than just a fantasy. She is a person who is worth learning more about. Try to be her friend before you try to be her fuck buddy. You might be amazed at how it works out.
Alright Art Star pham this is a special column dedicated to all of my friends moving to new cities.
I would like to present to you: The Spontaneous Combustion Theory
When we go to a new place one of our first worries is how will we replace our social network?
The answer is simple.
You don't need to go out and make a bunch of friends.
All you need is to be able to make one friend.
Even the most socially awkward of us should be able to strike up one friend.
Now once you have found your one friend (and pick them carefully) the rest is easy.
You meet their friends and you are outgoing and nice, and some of their friends become your friends now too.
Then you meet their friends' friends. Etc. Etc. Etc.
All of a sudden you have a much larger social network than you started with all because of one person.
It is really that simple.
You meet just one person. Then you go out to a bar with some of their friends. Meet and befriend their friends. Get their numbers. Go out again and meet more people. Make more friends. And just keep repeating it until you have your desired number of friends.
The reason this is called the Spontaneous Combustion Theory is because all it takes is the ability to meet one person, and make one friend.
Then the rest just takes care of itself.
So, don't stress out about making lots of new friends in a strange city - focus on making just one friend, put the Spontaneous Combustion Theory to work, and before you know it your only worry will be deciding which weekend invitation to accept!
Hi Art Star pham, welcome to another edition of Art Star's Official relationship column "The Spray On Condom"
First, to set the mood for this column, listen to this poem/song by John Legend called "Again"
One of the things The Spray On Condom will do from time to time is to introduce new relationship terminology.
Today we will introduce the concept of "The Cup".
Some girls (and guys) are cups.
The girl in the John Legend piece is a cup, and the guy is also quickly on the way to becoming a cup.
A cup is a person who is emotionally empty and needs some sort of emotional nourishment from you.
There is nothing inherently wrong with being a cup - we all are to a certain degree.
Yet some people are larger cups than other.
Some people, for a variety of reasons, are really empty, and they feel that they need something in their lives, something to complete them, and that something might just be you.
You tend to have to constantly talk to cups, to reassure cups about themselves, how you feel about them, listen to their problems (cups always have problems), and just try to fix them (usually more like patch them together) emotionally.
Once again, this isn't necessarily a bad thing - we have all been broken from time to time.
However, the danger with cups is that you might become more concerned about their emotional well-being/recovery/growth than they are.
At this point you have set yourself up for hurt and disappointments.
You have invested so much of yourself into trying to fill this empty cup, that when they decide for whatever reason they don't want to be filled or that they are incapable of being filled by you - all you are left with is the drained shell of yourself.
Then you become a cup as well.
Which is the greatest danger of all - cups tend to create more cups.
So, the next time you meet a girl or a guy, no matter how beautiful, charming, witty, and intelligent they are, try to find out if they are a cup - and if they are take a long hard look at yourself and make sure that you have enough to give.
If not, it might be in everyone's best interest for you to move on.
Example of Cup used in a sentence:
Guy 1: That girl Kristin is really pretty and fun. I think I might ask her on a date.
Guy 2: Yeah she is a real cool girl, but be careful dawg, she's a cup.
There was a time when the real me wrote a dating column.
I was having my own Sex and the City moment with two of my best guy friends (no homo but damn right I kissed my daddy)
I learned two important things - first off random people (deans, teachers, grandparents) will read you articles if they are published.
Second - writing a dating column is terrible for one's personal dating life.
That being said, I've been thinking a lot about the topic of "nice guys" vs "assholes".
We all know girls prefer assholes.
We all know that girls say that it is confidence that they find sexy, not assholishness.
But what is more confident than the ability to be completely honest with a person, perhaps even a stranger.
I feel that 9 times out of ten we know if we like someone or not -probably after 5 minutes of talking to them.
We think they are funny, or cute, or clever, or witty, or intriguing, or maybe just damn sexy.
But we know.
However, most of us spend a couple weeks playing games with the other person just because we feel we have to.
A nice guy might simply say to a girl "Hey I think you are great, Do you want to go on a date with me?"
For whatever reason that probably will not make her want to lick him like a lollipop.
But isn't he being honest - isn't he confident enough to put himself out there - to make himself vulnerable?
Isn't that suppose to be sexy?
Yes. But its not.
Which brings us to the asshole.
The jerk.
The guy who won't admit to kissing his daddy.
He might be confident but it is probably just a front for his own insecurity.
He will probably seem like a chase because he fears vulnerability.
And he will probably keep getting girls, because most girls fear vulnerability too.
Most girls are insecure.
Maybe they like assholes because they aren't ready for a nice guy
Maybe they are still too "girl" for a real man.
Maybe the problem isn't that there aren't enough "nice guys" out there, but that most girls ignore them.
Maybe most girls only go after what they feel they deserve.
