Inane Pop Song Queries From 2010

Posted 2/18/2011 by Amy Kristen in Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,

It’s a hard life being a pop star. These people are forced to churn out hit singles while managing accounts worth millions of dollars, striking photogenic poses for clamoring paparazzi, and conjuring tabloid-worthy personal drama. Naturally, these people are bound to have questions that haunt them in the middle of the night, during their Patron-laced musings in their Hollywood Hills Jacuzzis. Everyone needs help now and then to answer the tougher quandaries of existence. Which is why I’m responding to the searching voices of the Billboard Top 40, answering what no one else will: the most ridiculous questions in the pop songs of 2010.

“Should’ve known you was trouble from the first kiss. Had your eyes wide open… why were they open?” – Bruno Mars, “Grenade”

It is indeed a rare and strange phenomenon, kissing with your eyes open. It seems to occur most frequently when the participants wish to gaze into each other’s souls, express their feelings for each other, and create a more intimate bond. But yeah Bruno, you’re probably right, if a girl has her eyes open that probably means she’s a raging love-hating monster who’s out to destroy your heart. Ditch the bitch.

(Side note: You realize that if you threw yourself over this hypothetical grenade, it would still explode with enough force to kill her, too, right? Unless you actually want both of you to die, in which case, proceed!)

“Everybody's lookin’ for love… ain’t that the reason you’re at this club?” – Jason Derulo, “In My Head”

Actually, I’m just trying to get drunk, dance, size up other girls to ensure I rank higher on the hotness meter than they do, make eyes at sexy/rich/table-service-receiving boys, and maybe sleep with one of the aforementioned males later on at night and not remember it the morning after when I wake up in his bed. If I wanted love I’d sign up for fucking

“Come here, rude boy, boy can you get it up?” – Rihanna, “Rude Boy”


RIHANNA undresses. She stands naked in front of RUDE BOY.


Rude Boy faints.


“What's your name? Girl, what's your number? I'm glad I came. Can you take my order?” – Justin Timberlake, Timbaland’s “Carry Out”

Every waitress loves getting hit on. Especially by someone like this.

“Have you ever had sex with a pharaoh? I put the p*ssy in a sarcophagus.” – Kanye West, “Monster”

Sex with a pharaoh sounds nice, but it sounds like you need a little anatomy lesson, Kanye. Boys have the sticky-outy parts, and girls have the sticky-inny parts. Which means it would probably be very difficult to put a woman's cavernous lady parts inside another hole-shaped object. But lesbians find a way to work past that; I’m sure you can, too.

“The square root of 69 is 8 something, right? ‘Cuz I’ve been tryin’ ta work it out.” - Drake, Rihanna’s “What’s My Name”

It’s 8.3066. Buy a calculator. Idiot.

“Oh, that was your girl? I thought I recognized her.” – Drake, Young Money’s “Bedrock”

Drake. Honey. Stop talking.

“But can you feel this magic in the air? It must have been the way you kissed me.” – Taylor Swift, “Today Was a Fairytale”

What? Oh yeah, yeah, that’s magic you’re feeling. MAGIC. Not some adolescent boy’s premature ejaculation. Magic’s known for being recognizable by its sticky texture. How’s the fairytale going for you, by the way? You know a relationship is meant to be when you wear a dress and the guy wears “a dark gray t-shirt” and he picks you up at 6:00 so he can get you back home before your curfew, as you said.

“Is she out there? I just need somebody to love.” – Justin Beiber, “Somebody to Love”

Don’t we all, Justin. Don’t we all.

(Have you met Taylor, by the way? I feel like you’d be good at giving her some of that "magic.")

--Amy Kristen

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