Classified Ads: Middle of Nowhere, USA
Posted 2/18/2011 by Amy Kristen in Labels: amy kristen, classifieds, humor, literature, the script
Man, these times are hard (as the cute angsty boys in The Script reminds us here). But never fear! We at Art Star are concerned about your employment status, so we've decided to post some Classified Ads for you today.
We hear the Middle of Nowhere is a fairly easy commute.
Manager wanted for gas station in middle of desert, 100mi from nearest town. Must have good people skills, but must also be comfortable spending extended periods of time alone without any human contact. Must provide own reliable means of transportation (lodging is not provided and sleeping on the floor is not encouraged due to high local scorpion population). Lack of family, friends, pets, personal hobbies, personality, and/or life highly preferred. Apply within.
FARMHAND WANTED:
Must have a strong disposition and should not be easily spooked. Experience dealing with mysterious apparitions, ghosts, Ringwraiths, demons etc. a plus. Call 800-666-3385.
STRIP FOR $$!
Ladies, sick of stripping for your good-for-nothing boyfriend for free? Strippers needed for rest stop in a HOT new start-up location off I-40! Must not have any preexisting heart conditions and should be comfortable stripping in extreme heat and dark environments (no working a/c or lights). Ideal body type: Under 300 lb., full set of visible teeth, no unusual body deformations.
SEEKING PEST TECHNICIANS:
Small-town pest control company in need of technicians for extensive two-week extermination project. Must have at least 5 years of training. Looking for hard-working techs with background in fleas, tics, bed bugs, chimeras, basilisks, and/or yetis. Must be comfortable killing gnomes.
FREE HOUSING!
Looking for personal slave to help run extensive remote property. No compensation, but private room will be provided in newly converted closet in basement. Must take orders well. If interested, send resume and photo to slaves@hugefingplantation.com.
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