The Spray On Condom: Too Beautiful To Fuck

The last sexual conversation I had with a girl involved talking about how she enjoys being pinned up against a wall, loves the thrill of hooking up in public, and the possibility of being caught - that those things turned her on.

And although I switch-hit on these topics, she is the type of girl I would have definitely enjoyed throwing up against a wall.

According to "The Guy's Guide to Feminism" we were having a healthy interaction - exploring our limits before fucking (or not fucking) each other’s brains out.

However, if sexuality and relationships are as simple as being a good negotiator how come Donald Trump is on his third wife?

Before I continue - full disclosure - I know the writer of the blog post, she is a brilliant and beautiful young lady and I would love to furiously negotiate with her until we are both able to satisfy 8 years of what-ifs.

Oh and when I use the word sex in this article – I mean everything from kissing to hand holding to heavy petting to oral to penetration to anal to whatever other crazy stuff you kids do these days. Sex is just a lot easier to type.

Now that has been said - although it is always important to communicate with our potential sexual partners, it is even more important to communicate with ourselves. How we negotiate a physical interaction is far less important than how we negotiate our own emotions.

And therein lies the rub. Many of the best physical negotiators are emotionally illiterate.

Just because a person is comfortable with what is not considered a societal norm does not mean they are in touch with their own emotions. Many artists suffer from this. What seems edgy and unique is really more of a result of wiring than introspection.

Very few of us are able to honestly answer tough questions such as these:

I might be able to let a girl tie me up, but can I handle falling in love with a girl I didn't intend to?

Can I have a healthy relationship with someone I feel like I don't deserve?

Am I a person who is even really capable of negotiating a friends with benefits relationship?

Does the random hookup scene leave me spiritually bankrupt or do I just embrace it because it is easier than trying to find something real?

And if I do stumble upon the real thing am I even capable of not driving a good person away because I am insecure?

Alas, how many relationships do not happen or succeed because of insecurity. We are all insecure about something, and some would suggest that those who engage in sexual kinkdom do so because of some latent insecurity (why else would you let a person whip you and call you a dirty little whore slut?) – however I believe that stretches the issue too far.

Yet, would there be anyway to distinguish whether a kink is being done because of pleasure or because of a desire for love and acceptance, without first emotionally negotiating with that person? And if a girl likes it rough out of insecurity, do we have a moral responsibility not to throw her against the wall?

It is extremely important to negotiate physically, as I know firsthand how complacent our culture is to sexual assault and rape, however, we are even more complacent to feelings that last longer than an orgasm.

The ability to negotiate our emotions is the key to finding someone who can help you grow and be a long term source of joy in your life. It is an even more important skill for keeping this person.

The harsh reality is that so few of us know how to even begin negotiating our own emotions, and would be hopeless trying to negotiate them with someone else.

Also we secretly know that most of the people we hook up with don't have long-term joy giving potential, but hey, a girl has needs.

The truth is that many of us would have far less physical negotiations if we negotiated emotionally first.

And I bet not only sexual assault would decrease from emotional negotiation, but also heartache, wasted years, and spiritual malaise.

A good friend of mine, in her early 30s, had recently realized that at this point in her life she needed sex to be meaningful (i.e. with someone she actually loved), and would not have sex again until it was with a guy she was really into. I can tell this self-imposed celibacy is tough on her, however, it is nowhere near as tough as over a decade of meaningless sex.

The secret is that she has always known she wanted sex to be meaningful. She was just unable to negotiate emotionally and realize how important it was – because the trick is that sex is great. There is a reason why 90% of our actions can by linked to trying to get sex. We ignore anything that can hinder our ability to have frequent sex, whether it be religion or our own emotions.

Maybe before we negotiate physically, we should take a step back, and perhaps be man enough to tell her - you are too beautiful to fuck – and more importantly, I respect myself too much to fuck you.

Edit 03/29/10: Question: What does Too Beautiful To Fuck mean?

Answer: I believe that a "hookup" at best is an equivalent exchange. Hooking up is about taking something from another person, and hopefully each party can take equally. I think it is fanciful to believe that a hook up is anything more than this. Note this is not judgment - I just like to be aware of what it is I am doing. So the idea of too beautiful to fuck (tbtf) means that I am going to decide that I like you too much to just hook up with you. This is a new idea for me, generally I would just hook up with the girl. However, once you have the realization that there is no way this is going to work out, we are too different, or neither of us are emotionally healthy enough or in a position to have a relationship - then there is a choice we make. Do we say, who cares, at least we can have some short term fun, or do we say you know, I recognize the good in you, and you will be a great person for somebody, but it probably won't be me, and it definitely won't be now - so instead of becoming more emotionally involved (because I do believe you can't hook up without emotions) with you, I am going to not be physically intimate with you. You are in fact, too beautiful to fuck.

I guess another way I look at it is hopeful - this girl is going to be somebodies wife or lover one day. Someone's mom. If I know we aren't ready, emotionally for what we are going to do physically, don't I have some moral obligation not just take from someone's future wife/mother/partner because my sperm needs releasin every 72 hours. Do I have an obligation to recognize all that she is and all that she can be, and call it sacred, and decide not to take from it.

And I don't think you can even get close to this until you have peered into your heart and know what you want, and also taken the time to get to know what they want as well. Case in point, my 30-something friend is beautiful, strong, single, and if I were to just guess - I would have thought she would have been totally cool with a casual hookup. And more importantly, if I would have tried to hook up with her, she might have given in and hooked up with me (with her being pretty horny and me being pretty dashing). However, now that I know she wants it to be meaningful in a way that I am not sure it could be meaningful with me - I would have to add her to my tbtf list. Does it suck - kinda. One less beautiful, attractive, intelligent, funny, and fun girl for me to sleep with - and the whole ignorance is bliss thing. Is it healthier. Definitely.

Question: So do you think hooking up is bad/ do you believe you can learn anything, grow, experience joy, with someone who isn't a long-term prospect?

Answer: I do not think hooking up is bad. I only think it is bad when both parties don't know what they are getting into. I think usually both parties do not know what they are getting into because they have no idea what they really want. If you don't know what you want, then it is hard to know how much you are cool with a person taking from you.

I personally am okay with being used from time to time. There were times in my life when I was definitely okay with using. I have hooked up with people who I've talked to for less than an hour. I have also hooked up with people I've been friends with for years. The only difference was that the emotions were a lot more complicated in the latter (which I think boils down to both parties not knowing what they wanted), but we were both taking from each other.

And both parties is really the key - because you might know exactly what you want, what you are comfortable giving up, and articulate this very clearly. However, if your partner doesn't you are still in trouble.

I have had great, fantastic, wonderful hookups. I've also had some pretty bad ones. The difference has nothing to do with physicality, contrary to Cosmo et al, giving and receiving orgasms isn't rocket science, apparently any 12 year old can do it.

I have personally learned a lot from hooking up. I have learned great things about my body, my turn-ons, what is and isn't important to me in bed. I have learned the importance of communication, before, during, and after. I have learned that I am attracted to a wide range of people, and don't have one physical type, but that I am attracted to a certain mindset. Depending on how you feel about this article you might even say there has been some growth. However, I come again to all of this being selfish. I learned a lot about me. I didn't necessary learn a lot about my partners, and in fact some things I thought I knew, became cloudy.

Would I hook up again - yes. Do I believe that physical intimacy with someone who is open to a relationship with you that last longer than a few weeks is better - yes. Do I believe physical intimacy with the person you are married to would be the best sex ever - absolutely.

So, I don't think hooking up is bad. I do think you can learn, grow, and certainly have fun doing it. I just don't think it is as good as it gets.