Bad Fiction, pt. 1

Posted 12/30/2008 by WHayes in Labels: absurd, as good as decent sex, bad fiction, fiction, open call, WHayes

Unlike my previous adventure, this is more of a collaborative effort than a column. Share with us your bad fiction. Good stories, shitty stories, journal entries you're almost too embarassed to call your own. We'll keep it between us, a secret among friends. If anyone laughs, fuck em! We won't laugh.

We love it.

I'll start:

Circles and Squares

In certain circles you can bend the rules of courtesy, good stewardship, even hygiene. Never fidelity. There’s only one way to skin a puss, and it doesn’t involve strange shears. Squares hate this sort of thing, this nonsense telling you where to focus your eyes and how to gird (maybe guard?) your loins against the outdoors. The outdoors is wild. (Squares hate the wild, you see.) The wild is dangerous. Danger is an aphrodisiac. Before you know it you’ll have her facedown into the pillows, drilling away at warm, wet shame. Good shame is always wet. Cicero knew this: it’s why he always washed his shirts before coming home. He knew his wife would smell the perfume, the delicate aroma of a good, long lunch. Thank God it doesn’t smell like pastrami. That would kill the whole damn event.

"AH, FUCK!"

"It’s natural."

"LIKE SHIT!"

Then you’d walk out and cream yourself out of pure frustrated agony. This all happened, to Cicero, of course (he never lived it down). Can’t skin a puss that feral.

Now friends, it's your turn. Send it in to myself (matthew.hayes.iii@gmail.com), Darryl (daratcliff@gmail.com), or Cody (coelder@gmail.com). If you send the file as an attachment, please format it as a Word document (.doc), and include your name in the file name, as well as the subject of the email. Do not just put "Bad" or "Fiction," as we want to be perfectly sure who to credit the piece to.

With love,

Matt