Art Star: the spray on condom

Showing posts with label the spray on condom. Show all posts

The Top 5 Art Star Series Of All Time

0 Comment(s)Read On >>

The Spray On Condom: Too Beautiful To Fuck

The last sexual conversation I had with a girl involved talking about how she enjoys being pinned up against a wall, loves the thrill of hooking up in public, and the possibility of being caught - that those things turned her on.

And although I switch-hit on these topics, she is the type of girl I would have definitely enjoyed throwing up against a wall.

According to "The Guy's Guide to Feminism" we were having a healthy interaction - exploring our limits before fucking (or not fucking) each other’s brains out.

However, if sexuality and relationships are as simple as being a good negotiator how come Donald Trump is on his third wife?

Before I continue - full disclosure - I know the writer of the blog post, she is a brilliant and beautiful young lady and I would love to furiously negotiate with her until we are both able to satisfy 8 years of what-ifs.

Oh and when I use the word sex in this article – I mean everything from kissing to hand holding to heavy petting to oral to penetration to anal to whatever other crazy stuff you kids do these days. Sex is just a lot easier to type.

Now that has been said - although it is always important to communicate with our potential sexual partners, it is even more important to communicate with ourselves. How we negotiate a physical interaction is far less important than how we negotiate our own emotions.

And therein lies the rub. Many of the best physical negotiators are emotionally illiterate.

Just because a person is comfortable with what is not considered a societal norm does not mean they are in touch with their own emotions. Many artists suffer from this. What seems edgy and unique is really more of a result of wiring than introspection.

Very few of us are able to honestly answer tough questions such as these:

I might be able to let a girl tie me up, but can I handle falling in love with a girl I didn't intend to?

Can I have a healthy relationship with someone I feel like I don't deserve?

Am I a person who is even really capable of negotiating a friends with benefits relationship?

Does the random hookup scene leave me spiritually bankrupt or do I just embrace it because it is easier than trying to find something real?

And if I do stumble upon the real thing am I even capable of not driving a good person away because I am insecure?

Alas, how many relationships do not happen or succeed because of insecurity. We are all insecure about something, and some would suggest that those who engage in sexual kinkdom do so because of some latent insecurity (why else would you let a person whip you and call you a dirty little whore slut?) – however I believe that stretches the issue too far.

Yet, would there be anyway to distinguish whether a kink is being done because of pleasure or because of a desire for love and acceptance, without first emotionally negotiating with that person? And if a girl likes it rough out of insecurity, do we have a moral responsibility not to throw her against the wall?

It is extremely important to negotiate physically, as I know firsthand how complacent our culture is to sexual assault and rape, however, we are even more complacent to feelings that last longer than an orgasm.

The ability to negotiate our emotions is the key to finding someone who can help you grow and be a long term source of joy in your life. It is an even more important skill for keeping this person.

The harsh reality is that so few of us know how to even begin negotiating our own emotions, and would be hopeless trying to negotiate them with someone else.

Also we secretly know that most of the people we hook up with don't have long-term joy giving potential, but hey, a girl has needs.

The truth is that many of us would have far less physical negotiations if we negotiated emotionally first.

And I bet not only sexual assault would decrease from emotional negotiation, but also heartache, wasted years, and spiritual malaise.

A good friend of mine, in her early 30s, had recently realized that at this point in her life she needed sex to be meaningful (i.e. with someone she actually loved), and would not have sex again until it was with a guy she was really into. I can tell this self-imposed celibacy is tough on her, however, it is nowhere near as tough as over a decade of meaningless sex.

The secret is that she has always known she wanted sex to be meaningful. She was just unable to negotiate emotionally and realize how important it was – because the trick is that sex is great. There is a reason why 90% of our actions can by linked to trying to get sex. We ignore anything that can hinder our ability to have frequent sex, whether it be religion or our own emotions.

Maybe before we negotiate physically, we should take a step back, and perhaps be man enough to tell her - you are too beautiful to fuck – and more importantly, I respect myself too much to fuck you.

Edit 03/29/10: Question: What does Too Beautiful To Fuck mean?

Answer: I believe that a "hookup" at best is an equivalent exchange. Hooking up is about taking something from another person, and hopefully each party can take equally. I think it is fanciful to believe that a hook up is anything more than this. Note this is not judgment - I just like to be aware of what it is I am doing. So the idea of too beautiful to fuck (tbtf) means that I am going to decide that I like you too much to just hook up with you. This is a new idea for me, generally I would just hook up with the girl. However, once you have the realization that there is no way this is going to work out, we are too different, or neither of us are emotionally healthy enough or in a position to have a relationship - then there is a choice we make. Do we say, who cares, at least we can have some short term fun, or do we say you know, I recognize the good in you, and you will be a great person for somebody, but it probably won't be me, and it definitely won't be now - so instead of becoming more emotionally involved (because I do believe you can't hook up without emotions) with you, I am going to not be physically intimate with you. You are in fact, too beautiful to fuck.

I guess another way I look at it is hopeful - this girl is going to be somebodies wife or lover one day. Someone's mom. If I know we aren't ready, emotionally for what we are going to do physically, don't I have some moral obligation not just take from someone's future wife/mother/partner because my sperm needs releasin every 72 hours. Do I have an obligation to recognize all that she is and all that she can be, and call it sacred, and decide not to take from it.

And I don't think you can even get close to this until you have peered into your heart and know what you want, and also taken the time to get to know what they want as well. Case in point, my 30-something friend is beautiful, strong, single, and if I were to just guess - I would have thought she would have been totally cool with a casual hookup. And more importantly, if I would have tried to hook up with her, she might have given in and hooked up with me (with her being pretty horny and me being pretty dashing). However, now that I know she wants it to be meaningful in a way that I am not sure it could be meaningful with me - I would have to add her to my tbtf list. Does it suck - kinda. One less beautiful, attractive, intelligent, funny, and fun girl for me to sleep with - and the whole ignorance is bliss thing. Is it healthier. Definitely.

Question: So do you think hooking up is bad/ do you believe you can learn anything, grow, experience joy, with someone who isn't a long-term prospect?

Answer: I do not think hooking up is bad. I only think it is bad when both parties don't know what they are getting into. I think usually both parties do not know what they are getting into because they have no idea what they really want. If you don't know what you want, then it is hard to know how much you are cool with a person taking from you.

I personally am okay with being used from time to time. There were times in my life when I was definitely okay with using. I have hooked up with people who I've talked to for less than an hour. I have also hooked up with people I've been friends with for years. The only difference was that the emotions were a lot more complicated in the latter (which I think boils down to both parties not knowing what they wanted), but we were both taking from each other.

And both parties is really the key - because you might know exactly what you want, what you are comfortable giving up, and articulate this very clearly. However, if your partner doesn't you are still in trouble.

I have had great, fantastic, wonderful hookups. I've also had some pretty bad ones. The difference has nothing to do with physicality, contrary to Cosmo et al, giving and receiving orgasms isn't rocket science, apparently any 12 year old can do it.

I have personally learned a lot from hooking up. I have learned great things about my body, my turn-ons, what is and isn't important to me in bed. I have learned the importance of communication, before, during, and after. I have learned that I am attracted to a wide range of people, and don't have one physical type, but that I am attracted to a certain mindset. Depending on how you feel about this article you might even say there has been some growth. However, I come again to all of this being selfish. I learned a lot about me. I didn't necessary learn a lot about my partners, and in fact some things I thought I knew, became cloudy.

Would I hook up again - yes. Do I believe that physical intimacy with someone who is open to a relationship with you that last longer than a few weeks is better - yes. Do I believe physical intimacy with the person you are married to would be the best sex ever - absolutely.

So, I don't think hooking up is bad. I do think you can learn, grow, and certainly have fun doing it. I just don't think it is as good as it gets.

0 Comment(s)Read On >>

The Spray On Condom: Meeting People On The Internet

Today I had an interesting occasion to think about internet courtesy.

Basically, how much respect should one give to the veil of freedom provided by anonymous to anonymous interaction?

A young lady left a comment on one of my older blog posts, and usually I just get kind of happy when my Blackberry shows "[Art Star] New comment" on it, but today I actually felt led to respond to the person.

I supposed I could have responded on the blog but it was a very old post, and I wasn't sure she would see my reply but it had an email address attached to the userID.

So, I emailed a nice little reply and she emailed me back.

Now by this time, gmail had provided a full name.

And any regular reader of this blog (yes I'm talking to the 20% of you who have read Art Star over 200 times) knows one of my guilty pleasures is googling peoples names.

So, I googled her name, found out some interesting stuff about her.

She seems to be young, a good writer, graduating from a well respected school, attractive (not that it has anything to do with it, but I love adding the pretty, not pretty, cute, adjectives when it comes to girls, one of the few ways that I am not a feminist).

After looking at all of this I am thinking, okay, she seems like a legit person, I should friend her on facebook.

Now, at this point, I realize - whoa - this is just a random person who randomly left a message on your blog post - and not just any blogpost (but one of the most honest blogosphere moments of your life) pre-bar tales series.

Is it okay to just friend her on facebook, or keep emailing her, or would you be crossing some sort of digital line of etiquette?

But then I started rationalizing, well ya'll are just a year apart, she might become successful in life, and friendships have started in much stranger ways (like randomly bumping into someone at a grocery store, or a concert, or anywhere).

And she is a journalist and I wrote my thesis (one of them) on political journalism (basically), so maybe I should recruit her for a writer (since all of my writers have unilaterally decided to take the entire month of April off, even though it is my birth month...bastards).

Is writing on someones wall or leaving a random person a comment, the digital equivalent of bumping into somebody at the grocery store?

And if it is, does the guy have to strike up a conversation, tell a funny joke, and give the girl his number?

Is that the equivalent of a facebook friend request?

Well as a former dating columnist, I never think you should go with the status quo (every guy is asking for the number).

So, maybe this post is really the digital equivalent of a bouquet of white roses, or a hot cup of coffee from a stranger when you have been studying in the same union, library, lounge for a couple hours.

Maybe it will even make her smile, or brighten a fairly conventional day.

Maybe she will even tell me to go ahead and friend her on facebook.

2 Comment(s)Read On >>

The Spray On Condom: The "Pretty" Girl Syndrome

One time in college, a Dean of Students who was also a minister gave me this advice:
“Make friends with the pretty girls – they are often very lonely.”

The fact of the matter is that many guys are intimidated by “pretty” girls.

Especially “pretty” girls who are intelligent, independent, and successful.

Even though we all talk about how we want a “pretty” girl; few of us ever muster the courage to talk to a girl we truly think is beautiful.

We assume that she already has a boyfriend. That she can do way better than us. That she will be too high maintenance. That she is stuck up and a “bitch”.

We make a million excuses to mask our insecurity – our fear of walking up and striking a conversation.

Yet the truth is that many “pretty” girls are lonely. They wonder what is wrong with them? Why the only guys who talk to them are scum balls? Why they can’t just meet a funny, interesting, sweet guy?

However, sometimes that guy does try to talk to the “pretty” girl and she doesn’t even give him a chance. Now there is a slight chance that she might actually be a “bitch”. More likely, she is just afflicted with “pretty girl syndrome”.

After years of being hit on by asshole guys who just want to fuck her, she has developed an all-time defensive perimeter that keeps all boys out.

Ironically, this armor is also keeping her from the man of her dreams. Still, it is hard to blame the “pretty” girl for being wary.

This brings us to the controversial theory of “negging”.

A “neg” is a statement that borders between compliment and insult. An example of a neg is: “I really like your hair even though it’s fake.” Or “Your eyes are really pretty, do you wear contacts?” Or "Your gladiator sandals are really trendy."

A “neg” should always be said with a smile. The reasoning behind using a “neg” on a “pretty” girl is that the girl is used to constantly being complimented, and compliments set off her defense mechanisms. However, very few people even border-line insult a pretty girl on her appearance. So, she is taken aback and might listen to you for a bit longer before she decides to shut you down.

The problem with “negging” is that it might just piss the girl off. Or worse you might touch upon an insecurity and really hurt her.

Still using a “neg” on a really “pretty” girl might be the difference between getting instant rejection and getting her number.

In any case, whether you “neg” or don’t “neg”, remember that the “pretty” girl is still fundamentally human. She is more than just a fantasy. She is a person who is worth learning more about. Try to be her friend before you try to be her fuck buddy. You might be amazed at how it works out.

4 Comment(s)Read On >>

How To Make New Friends In A New City

Alright Art Star pham this is a special column dedicated to all of my friends moving to new cities.

I would like to present to you: The Spontaneous Combustion Theory

When we go to a new place one of our first worries is how will we replace our social network?

The answer is simple.

You don't need to go out and make a bunch of friends.

All you need is to be able to make one friend.

Even the most socially awkward of us should be able to strike up one friend.

Now once you have found your one friend (and pick them carefully) the rest is easy.

You meet their friends and you are outgoing and nice, and some of their friends become your friends now too.

Then you meet their friends' friends. Etc. Etc. Etc.

All of a sudden you have a much larger social network than you started with all because of one person.

It is really that simple.

You meet just one person. Then you go out to a bar with some of their friends. Meet and befriend their friends. Get their numbers. Go out again and meet more people. Make more friends. And just keep repeating it until you have your desired number of friends.

The reason this is called the Spontaneous Combustion Theory is because all it takes is the ability to meet one person, and make one friend.

Then the rest just takes care of itself.

So, don't stress out about making lots of new friends in a strange city - focus on making just one friend, put the Spontaneous Combustion Theory to work, and before you know it your only worry will be deciding which weekend invitation to accept!

0 Comment(s)Read On >>

The Spray On Condom: Beware Of Cups

Hi Art Star pham, welcome to another edition of Art Star's Official relationship column "The Spray On Condom"

First, to set the mood for this column, listen to this poem/song by John Legend called "Again"

One of the things The Spray On Condom will do from time to time is to introduce new relationship terminology.

Today we will introduce the concept of "The Cup".

Some girls (and guys) are cups.

The girl in the John Legend piece is a cup, and the guy is also quickly on the way to becoming a cup.

A cup is a person who is emotionally empty and needs some sort of emotional nourishment from you.

There is nothing inherently wrong with being a cup - we all are to a certain degree.

Yet some people are larger cups than other.

Some people, for a variety of reasons, are really empty, and they feel that they need something in their lives, something to complete them, and that something might just be you.

You tend to have to constantly talk to cups, to reassure cups about themselves, how you feel about them, listen to their problems (cups always have problems), and just try to fix them (usually more like patch them together) emotionally.

Once again, this isn't necessarily a bad thing - we have all been broken from time to time.

However, the danger with cups is that you might become more concerned about their emotional well-being/recovery/growth than they are.

At this point you have set yourself up for hurt and disappointments.

You have invested so much of yourself into trying to fill this empty cup, that when they decide for whatever reason they don't want to be filled or that they are incapable of being filled by you - all you are left with is the drained shell of yourself.

Then you become a cup as well.

Which is the greatest danger of all - cups tend to create more cups.

So, the next time you meet a girl or a guy, no matter how beautiful, charming, witty, and intelligent they are, try to find out if they are a cup - and if they are take a long hard look at yourself and make sure that you have enough to give.

If not, it might be in everyone's best interest for you to move on.

Example of Cup used in a sentence:

Guy 1: That girl Kristin is really pretty and fun. I think I might ask her on a date.
Guy 2: Yeah she is a real cool girl, but be careful dawg, she's a cup.

0 Comment(s)Read On >>

The Spray On Condom: Art Star's Official Relationship Column

There was a time when the real me wrote a dating column.

I was having my own Sex and the City moment with two of my best guy friends (no homo but damn right I kissed my daddy)

I learned two important things - first off random people (deans, teachers, grandparents) will read you articles if they are published.
Second - writing a dating column is terrible for one's personal dating life.

That being said, I've been thinking a lot about the topic of "nice guys" vs "assholes".

We all know girls prefer assholes.

We all know that girls say that it is confidence that they find sexy, not assholishness.

But what is more confident than the ability to be completely honest with a person, perhaps even a stranger.

I feel that 9 times out of ten we know if we like someone or not -probably after 5 minutes of talking to them.

We think they are funny, or cute, or clever, or witty, or intriguing, or maybe just damn sexy.

But we know.

However, most of us spend a couple weeks playing games with the other person just because we feel we have to.

A nice guy might simply say to a girl "Hey I think you are great, Do you want to go on a date with me?"

For whatever reason that probably will not make her want to lick him like a lollipop.

But isn't he being honest - isn't he confident enough to put himself out there - to make himself vulnerable?

Isn't that suppose to be sexy?

Yes. But its not.

Which brings us to the asshole.
The jerk.
The guy who won't admit to kissing his daddy.

He might be confident but it is probably just a front for his own insecurity.
He will probably seem like a chase because he fears vulnerability.
And he will probably keep getting girls, because most girls fear vulnerability too.
Most girls are insecure.

Maybe they like assholes because they aren't ready for a nice guy
Maybe they are still too "girl" for a real man.

Maybe the problem isn't that there aren't enough "nice guys" out there, but that most girls ignore them.

Maybe most girls only go after what they feel they deserve.

0 Comment(s)Read On >>

The Top 5 Art Star Series Of All Time

The Spray On Condom: Too Beautiful To Fuck

The Spray On Condom: Meeting People On The Internet

The Spray On Condom: The "Pretty" Girl Syndrome

How To Make New Friends In A New City

The Spray On Condom: Beware Of Cups

The Spray On Condom: Art Star's Official Relationship Column

Sponsors

Archives