Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
My vision of love has evolved over the years with separate experiences, but overall I am unsure about love because it remains undefined. As humans we like to classify things, hoping that by giving something a name or grounding it into our personal level of thinking, we can possibly understand it better. No one knows what love is, yet they try to criticize the love of others. Most of us can't fathom an unknown subject, and when we do come in contact with one we either reject it out of fear, over analyze by picking it apart hoping that it will somehow make sense, or we stare into its eyes, trying to connect pleasurably, simply wondering how such an intriguing thing could have ever been created.
I recently expressed to a friend that I don't love anyone, not that I have never loved before or that I’m incapable of love, but that I am currently not divulging love to those around me. This philosophy led me to examine all of my past expressions of love in order to understand where I am now, and how I got here.
My earliest quest for love was my childhood relationship between my father and me. The irony was that I never saw him much because my mother and I had moved to another state when I was practically a baby. Our visits could be summed up with sporadic phone calls, an occasional card and a few summer visits before the age of ten. Nonetheless, I loved my father, even though I never actually got to know him until recently, after almost 20 years. As a child I dreamed about what love should be like, between my mother, father and I, but that dream never became a reality. I was a child clinging to an idealistic concept of love, while never experiencing what that love could be like. As I grew older, God gave me another father, but then the love that surrounded me had grown into a dysfunctional beast, and by my teenage years I was disgusted with the only love I had known my entire life.
The love that I trusted had deceived me, and the love I prayed for had never come.
Since I was a little girl I’ve been infatuated with the concept of love, a concept birthed by my vision of what love between two individuals should resemble. Whenever I experienced a particular love that wasn’t ideal, I continued to hope that it would change for the better. When I became exhausted with hoping and teetering back and forth on a tightrope of possibilities, I’d jump off the line, only to find myself coming in contact with the ground.
" They say if you live in a dream you're hopelessly lost."
It takes .2 seconds to fall in love and become completely smitten with something or someone, for whatever reasons. Love is a conjunction between both the heart and the brain and its biological effects are comparative to euphoria. When in love your veins begin pumping with a cocktail of narcotic chemicals which create a blinding high that seems as if it will never end. But when the high does end, some are left searching for that particular loves equivalent, a buzz as great as what they may have experienced in the past or something better.
"I won't worry if we fall in love, we will never touch the ground, just fall into a dream."
Love is not a seamlessly honest part of reality, it may either deceive or enslave you, but faith in love is not as dangerous as the human beings who posses it.
"Trust me when I say that we’ll never fall... and I may be hopelessly lost, but I managed to find heaven."
"Fall In" is a composition about releasing your inhibitions and taking in the drunken-like state of unexplored and addictive love. Esperanza Spalding (composer and performer) attests to the hardships of falling in and out of love, but indulges in the possible fate of the love that she has found. A love so worthy that she's willing to put faith in, and lose herself in it. Equating love exploration to floating in the heavens Spalding creates a dream-like sound, both soothing and romantic. “Fall in” is a lofty testimonial to a journey of finding love lost, and wearing it like bare skin, fearless, trusting and without shields.
So, this will be a new column for me. I tend to dream outrageous things most of the time. Aliens, mutants, puppies, fornicating, beautiful people, and bizarre situations usually taking place in a fictional dream location that is a combination of Benson, Nebraska and Davidson, North Carolina.
While I may not remember all of my dreams, I do tend to wake up with little snippets of situation or conversation left over, echoing in the back of my brain. I thus bring these things to you. Maybe you could make sense of them?
Bad People in LoveThey stood there, in the middle of the fucking street, doing that thing where your foreheads almost touch, your arms almost wrap the life out of the opposing body, and your lips almost meet. I had never seen them together before. It seemed so natural, yet wrong. It was wrong because I knew these people, I knew their histories and tendencies. But that didn't matter anymore. Even the Devil looks human when he's in love.Disappointing, isn't it?I walked over to my car, taking strides bigger than Jesus'. There was something pink on my window. I'd gotten a parking ticket.Stretching My FidelityMy fingers closed around the tanned, slender hand. It was connected to a similarly waif-like arm, which in turn attached to a glorious torso with amazing breasts. She was Arab. The bad kind, according to CNN. The shake was a pleasant formality; somewhere in the back of my head, I couldn't wait to fuck her.
I saw dragonflies the size of small birds
lazing through the air like cymbal notes.
And I tried to remember
if dragonflies are hatched from eggs;
if they leave their umbilical cords
nestled in forgotten ferns covered with stardust.
Do dragonflies, too,
waste their short lives trying to regain
the magic and potential
of how they came into this world?
Birthed under a new moon
covered with sap and water
their wings still sticky
slung like guns
against their bodies.
